Universal Studios has made a deal with Mattel to make a live-action Barbie movie.

The movie will apparently be 15 hours long so it can cover Barbie’s periods as a nurse, a teacher, an astronaut, a rocker and President of the United States. It will also finally expose the sexuality of Barbie’s ex Ken. It will star a newcomer who has no nipples, an impossibly tiny waist and no joints.

I’m kidding. Not about the movie, just my description of it.

“Barbie is the most famous doll in history, a unique cultural icon in the world of brands,” Universal Pictures chairman Marc Shmuger told Variety. “So many representations of Barbie frequent pop culture, but never before has she been brought to life in a motion picture.”

There you have it. Let the casting rumors begin!

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