I’ve always been one to translate a movie poster into what the movie is going to be about. Even though that’s almost never a good or accurate idea. I’ve been doing that since I started writing here. And for some reason, am just now compelled to tell you that.

So keeping that method afloat, I can only guess that “Due Date” is about two gay guys (Robert Downey Jr and Zack Galifianakis) who give birth to a French Bulldog. Oh, and they live in the desert.

Who thinks I’m right?

“True Blood,” Season 4, Episode 8: “Night of the Sun”

Last night’s “True Blood” was a little less bloody than the past couple weeks, but no less shocking. Legions of gay fans were finally treated to some Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard) gayness last night. But don’t worry, ladies, he’s only  a little gay. We also see Sookie (Anna Paquin) and Bill (Stephen Moyer) patch things up in a very heated way. And I was hoping she was headed for some wolf love with Alcide (John Manganiello). Oh well.

Watch the recap here:

“Mad Men,” Season 4, Episode 3: “The Good News”

This week’s “Mad Men” opens in a very happy place. No, it’s not Acapulco. Or Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. It’s Joan’s vagina. She’s at her gynecologist. It seems Joan and her rapist, I mean husband, are trying to start a family. But like many busty secretaries of that time, she’s worried a previous “procedure” performed in a back alley might hinder her chances. The only thing that’s going to hinder her chances is Vietnam.

We got our first mention of the war this season last night as Joan (Christina Hendricks) reminded husband Greg that he’ll soon be headed there. It’s New Year’s Eve 1964 and the American ground war started in March of 1965, so we can only imagine the doctor won’t be returning in one piece. I’m anti-spoiler, so I could be completely wrong about everything I say regarding what lies ahead. But I imagine much of this season will be centered around the ground war and the intensification of the Vietnam conflict in general.

I’m actually pretty excited to see the mid- to late-60s happen on “Mad Men.” It’ll be fun to see that shift from wholesome and tidy America to the protesting, dirty hippy divided country. I can almost hear Buffalo Springfrield’s “For What It’s Worth” playing now.

You mention my favorite historic era and I get sidetracked. Back to last night’s “Mad Men.” So Don Draper (Jon Hamm) is less of an ass this week. He’s planning to head to Acapulco for New Year’s with a 24-hour layover in Los Angeles to visit with the real Don Draper’s wife. As weird as his trips there always turn out, it’s nice to see Don as Dick Whitman. He’s almost a carefree Dick. It’s almost like he likes to be a free and loose Dick while he’s there. At any rate, he’s definitely a refreshing Dick.

This time around, he finds out his sort-of ex-wife Anna is dying from Cancer. She herself doesn’t know exactly. But her sister and niece are sure of it. Don’s reaction is both surprising and not. As hard as Don can be, he also has a soft side. Mostly for his children and for Anna. There’s something about Anna that he loves. It must be that she knows the real Don Draper. One of only two women (Betty being the other) who does. And she’s the only one who chose to still accept him.

So Don gets sad and leaves. He heads back to New York instead of sunny Acapulco. When he gets back to the office (why did he even go there? Everyone is enjoying the new year), the only person there is Lane Pryce (Jared Harris). Lane is now experiencing a split marriage as well and he and Don decide to get drunk together. It’s fun to see the normally uptight Lane let loose. He’s loud, obnoxious and allows Don to buy him a whore. Awesome. Of course the next morning, uptight Lane returns and he even pays back Don the $25 for his prostitute.

And that’s pretty much it. We get a couple glances at Pegs (Elisabeth Moss) and what appeared to be a cardboard cutout of Roger (John Slattery) and a second of Pete (Vincent Kartheiser). Other than that it was the Don-Joan-Lane show.

Happy New Year.

If the 1978 super controversial film “I Spit on Your Grave” gets a remake, then we’re truly in the age of remakes. What’s next, “Basket Case”?

Actually, the trailer for the new “I Spit on Your Grave” looks kind of good. And it’s unrated, so that’s probably a good sign it’s going to be as nasty as the original. I didn’t see the original until I was about 20. When I was a kid, I remember always seeing the bulky VHS box in the local video store. I never knew why there were so many warning labels on the box though. But I really wanted to see it. My mom was pretty liberal with the movies I was allowed to watch, but she never gave in with that one. And lucky me.

There’s very little new that you can expect from “Jackass.” Someone’s going to get flung into the air. Someone’s going to get hurt. Everyone’s going to show their seemingly unwashed penises. But this time it’s in 3D. Oh boy. Imagine the flinches when a large penis is coming right toward you on the big screen. You know it’ll happen. The only question is whose.

Jackass 3D

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

The film is scheduled for an Oct. 15 release.

The poster for M. Night Shamalyan‘s “Devil” has been released and from what I can tell, the Devil isn’t a very nice demon to share an elevator with.
I wonder what kind of elevator music plays in the devil’s elevator? I imagine Marilyn Manson’s “Sweet Dreams” cover.

You have to love teaser trailers. Especially ones that spend more time and money on the title font and design than telling us what the move is about. “Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark” does just that. The trailer makes me a little interested in this remake of a 1973 TV movie. One can hope that it’s easy to improve on a TV movie. We’ll see. This movie is about a family that moves into a house with creatures.

Hopefully this means there’s going to be a resurgence of creature movies. I could really go for a “Critters” or “Ghoulies” remake right about now.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark in HD

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

Did you know there are “Mad Men” Barbies? They’re actually pretty sweet. The best part is they’re molded from the classic Barbie face and body.

I think they’ve cheated a bit on the Joan Barbie, don’t you think? If you know what I mean? I wonder if they come reeking of cigarettes, booze and icky office-sex? God, I hope so. And what’s up with no Peggy Barbie? I know she’s not as glam and gorgeous as Betty and Joan. But poor Elisabeth Moss deserves a Barbie too!

It looks like only Betty Barbie is available for purchase at the moment. But keep checking here, to get all four of your 1960s dolls. As wrong as it is for a 30-year-old man to say, I really want the Joan Barbie.

Check out the latest “Mad Men” recap.

“Mad Men,” Season 4, Episode 2:  ”Christmas Comes But Once a Year”

Last week I openly admitted my disappointment for the Season 4 premier of “Mad Men.” The show didn’t redeem itself this week. But I’m willing to accept it for what it is.

It’s becoming clear that none of the questions I had regarding what happened between the jump in time will be answered. And I’m still trying to figure out where Ken Cosgrove (Aaron Staton) is. His name still appears in the credits. Maybe he’ll come to work for Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce soon. Someone needs to be there to make Pete Campbell (Vincent Kartheiser) squirm. But I was entertained in ways only “Mad Men” knows how. So I’m happy. I’ll no longer complain about the time jump.

Anyway, back to Sunday’s episode. It’s Christmas. Which is weird to watch in August. But it was fun to see. Don (Jon Hamm) is his normal depressing checked out self. He has secretary to shop for his kids. He gets drunk. He flirts with a nurse. He sleeps with his secretary. He degrades his secretary. Ah, 1964. Is it 1970 yet? I want someone to burn a bra on Don’s desk.

Meanwhile, back at the Draper house (I don’t even know Betty’s new last name), the family is Christmas tree shopping. Thally, I mean Sally, runs into that creepy kid Glen from last season. He was the one in love with Betty (January Jones). Oh, you remember, the kid Betty was about to pull a Mary Kay Letourneau on. Anyway, he seems to be Sally’s new boyfriend and he seems to want revenge on Betty and divorced parents in general. He breaks in the house and vandalizes it. Sally seems pleased.

Cut back to the office, it’s Christmas party time. The firm’s most important client (and closet case sadist), Lee (Darren Pettie) from Lucky Strike cigarettes is the guest of honor. Everyone in the firm basically has to bow at his feet and humiliate themselves to make him happy. Joan (Christina Hendricks) even wears her red dress with bows. As if Lee is interested in women. I hate this guy. I’m still mad he got Sal (Bryan Batt) fired last season. It was funny to see Lee cut on Roger Sterling (John Slattery) and force him to wear the Santa costume. Roger deserves it.

Oh. I almost forgot. Office drunk Freddy Rumsen (Joel Murray) is back. He’s sober now. But I bet we can count on another melt down at some point. Maybe he’ll piss his pants again.

I guess before I end my recap I should talk about Peggy Olsen (Elisabeth Moss). I’ll give her my quick Don Draper rundown. Peggy’s got a boyfriend. He looks 12. She’s holding out in the sack. He thinks she’s a virgin but we know she had Pete’s baby. She finally gives in and sleeps with him. It seems she didn’t enjoy it, but why? She’s not your typical 1964 woman. She’ll be the first to burn her bra on Don’s desk.

It’s time to look back at a cinematic masterpiece. One that cannot and should not be forgotten. “Clue.”

Based on the Parker Brothers board game, the 1985 brilliance is somewhat underrated. Which is completely sad. The movie, of course, is a spoof of the board game and the era its set in (1950s McCarthyism). The best part of the movie is the fact that there are alternate endings. And the DVD has all of them. You should watch it. If for no other reason, than my favorite lines in the movie:

Mrs. White: “He had threatened to kill me in public.”

Miss Scarlet: “Why would he want to kill you in public?”

Wadsworth: “I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.” (eye roll)

You have to see it to get the full effect. At any rate, enjoy the trailer: